Unity 5.1.2 crashes instantly

I have tried everything I can think of to get this to work (reinstalls, compatibility mode, running as administrator, changing bootup parameters [based on other instructions from this site], etc) and I cannot for the life of me get this to work.

Here’s a quick 14 second video of what I’m experiencing.

Anyone have any idea what the problem could be? If there’s a dump file somewhere I have no idea where it is in my file system.

I fixed by uninstalling Unity with Revo Uninstaller, installing again and updating Windows 7 to SP1. Hope this helps!